Reviewed by Jenny LeComte
Rating: 5 Beans
he's baaack! Just when you thought it was safe to return to the video store where you hired "The Stud'' incognito, there's a sequel.
"The Bitch'' is every bit as flashy and trashy as its predecessor. All the ingredients which made "The Stud'' such a Bad Movie Night classic are here, and how.
Thrill to the rockin' soundtrack (featuring "Everyone's A Winner'' by Hot Chocolate). Revel in the terrible 70s clothes. Laugh yourself stupid at the bad acting and the stilted dialogue.
Fontaine Khaled, played again by the incomparable B-list actress Joan Collins, returns to the small screen for your viewing pleasure. Only this time she's off-loaded her boring billionaire husband and dumped her two-timing stud boyfriend.
Without the electric presence of Tony Blake (star of "The Stud"), Fontaine's disco is going down the gurgler and she is reduced to wearing last season's sable coat. Quelle horreur!
Fontaine is also bored. Acutely bored. So much so that she beds her chauffeur Ricky (Peter Wight). The sight of Fontaine sitting astride the hired help, wearing a chauffeur's cap and shouting: "First past the post is a winner'' is worth it for the comic value alone.
After sacking Ricky, who turned out to be a dud bash, Fontaine meets Nico Cantafora (Michael Corby), a hotshot hustler looking to offload a diamond ring he stole from a rich widow in Vegas. At first, Nico only wants to use Fontaine to carry the diamond ring through Customs. But after playing backgammon, and tonsil hockey, with her for several hours on an international flight, Nico's intrigued.
The moments between the first kiss and the eventual "doing of the deed'' are dragged out with some of the corniest dialogue I've ever heard. Here's a sample.
Nico: "You know it's only 10 o'clock in New York..."
Fontaine: "Nico, have you ever played backgammon in bed?''
After this little exchange, the action heats up. Nico discovers the diamond ring is paste. Fontaine throws him out of her apartment. Nico tries to fix a horse race. Fontaine's best friend Vanessa Grant (Sue Lloyd) has an affair with the jockey, who's name is (believe it or not) Sandy Roots.
In short, "The Bitch'' is a must-see for anybody who truly appreciates really bad movies. If you want to take masochism a tiny step further, get down to your local library and borrow the Jackie Collins novel on which this film is based.
"Bad Movie Night" is a presentation of
Hit-n-Run Productions, © 1997-2006,
a subsidiary of Syphon Interactive, LLC.
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