Chairman of the Board
Reviewed by Reed Hubbard
Rating: 10 Beans
now know why Elvis shot a TV. After watching 'Chairman of the Board,' I was tempted to run to the closet and retrieve my 12 gauge. This is the worst movie I’ve seen in a long time, and I go out looking for bad films! I’m certain my TV was suffering as it displayed this abomination on its screen. To hell with gun control, what we need in this country is a law against Carrot Top!
For those of you who don’t know, Carrot Top (aka Scott Thompson) is a prop comedian who looks like the girl on the Wendy’s restaurant sign and whose stage act revolves around his goofy inventions, like a Slurpee cup with a forehead heater to prevent brain freeze. Well, here we have Carrot Top playing Edison, a surfer dude who wants to be an inventor. Gee, where’d they get that from? He and his slacker buddies are having a tough time paying the rent to a landlady with a foul mouth (Estelle Harris). Well, actually she has a foul throat since she has a laryngectomy and has to speak with a buzzer pressed to her neck. The roomies convince Edison to get a job, so he tries out for Annie, becomes a crash test dummy, tests condoms out on the boss’ daughter. Tee hee.
Whilst driving down the road one day, Edison meets Armand McMillan (Jack Warden), president of McMillan Industries. They surf together for one day and Edison shows Armand his invention book. Then, Armand dies and leaves all his stock to Edison. Kinda sounds like “Melvin and Howard,” doesn’t it? In premise only, let me assure you. Comparing those two films is like comparing Hamlet to the Teletubbies. So Edison becomes chairman of the board, hence the clever title of the movie. Now, what do you think happens when the wacky Carrot Top meets the stodgy board members? They love him of course! His ideas, like “Luau Wednesday,” propel the company to all time high profits. But wait! Lurking in the background is Armand’s nephew Bradford (a completely wasted Larry Miller) who wants the company for himself. It seems there was a clause in his uncle’s will that if the stock ever drops below $20/share, Edison loses it all and Bradford gets it. Kinda sounds like “Brewster’s Millions,” doesn’t it? They ain’t even close. Richard Pryor is to Carrot Top as Dom Perignon is to Mad Dog 20/20.
Courtney Thorne-Smith, in a role that should embarrass her right out of the unisex bathroom on “Ally McBeal,” wanders on as Natalie, the corporate executive and budding love interest to Edison. Does anyone believe that a goober like Carrot Top could in his remotest dreams land a babe like Courtney Thorne-Smith? Can you say NOOOOOO? But hey, if we can believe that a millionaire gave a surf bum his company, we can believe anything!
Just when everything’s going peachy, a lawsuit is filed against one of Edison’s inventions and the stock drops and Edison loses the company and he’s evicted and living on the beach. Kinda rags to riches to rags just like “The Jerk,” huh? Well, Carrot Top’s no Steve Martin, in fact, he’s no Chevy Chase, Flip Wilson, or Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay! He’s more like a lesser version of Gilbert Gottfried, only not as funny.
This one is terrible right from the get-go. The story is a skin stretched around Carrot Top’s stage act, which wasn’t that funny to begin with. Imagine a movie with Gallagher…well, that might be worse…but this is right there with it. The story is just a premise for numerous goofy invention jokes, like the bug zapper hat or the lie detector shirt. Outside of that, there are doo-doo and fart jokes aplenty. Look for the scene where Edison and Natalie have a burping contest. How’s that career going, Courtney?
Shame on M. Emmet Walsh and Jack Warden for appearing in this travesty! I can see Larry Miller in such a dud, but he’s usually the bright spot, not a zero like he is here. Even Raquel Welch makes an appearance. How the mighty have fallen! One wonders how hard up these people were to have taken bit roles in such a God-awful farce. I hear it’s expensive to live in Los Angeles, but I’d be tempted to collect garbage before having my name appear below Carrot Top’s in such a dreadful B movie.
Mike Myers took one of the funniest swipes at this film in the 1997 movie, “Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery.” In one scene, Dr. Evil holds up a chart of evils planned to extort money from the world governments. One of the items listed was “Carrot Top Movie.” It doesn’t sound that far fetched. This movie couldn’t have been planned by sane people. It can only be the work of a conspiracy of evildoers, desperate to undo our societal fabric and wreak chaos and havoc on mankind!
How the hell else can you explain it? Y’all excuse me while I go put my TV out of its misery.
Thankyouverymuch! TCB Baby!
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