Reviewed by Mike Brannon
Rating: 9.5 Beans
ltra condensed review:
"The Shining," to the fiftieth carbon, set in space by a director who never got over his crush on Clive Barker.
The entire review:
An Event Horizon, I am told, is the area of a black hole in which matter cannot escape and is sucked into the void. An Event Horizon is also a black hole of a screenplay in which no intellectual matter can surface.
Arthur C. Clarke it ain't. The Event Horizon is a spaceship that was experimenting with a warp drive which folds space to create a temporal vortex and make the shortest point from A to B. Wow, original, isn't it?! If I didn't know better I'd say that was lifted right from "Dune."
Well, the ship disappeared near Proxima Centauri, only to reappear several years later. A rescue crew is dispatched, with the ship's designer. The ship (The Lewis and Clark... or The Lewis Stoole... or The Andy Dick Clark, I forget) is commanded by Laurence Fishburne, who really doesn't need to do these types of movies any more. Sam Neil plays the Event Horizon designer, and his acting is only slight less wooden than a cigar store indian. The rest of the crew are right from the Action Movie Hollywood Instant Corpse Department -- the foxy babe, the funny black guy, the naive kid, the brassy nurse, etc. I guess these soldiers never saw "Leviathan, Aliens and DeepStar Six." The lesson from those movies is -- never enlist on a ship with a captain with higher box-office billing. You'll be killed.
The "shocking relevation" is that the ship, while opening the Dune-hole, lost its way and ended up in Hell. Hell seems to consist of a lot of shouting, tounges unravelling, and eyes being gouged out (If you think seeing a ghost without eyes is scary each of the FIVE TIMES this movie shows it, this may be the movie for you).
So why is it back from Hell? Maybe it didn't pass the emissions test and Satan sent it back. Maybe he saw it appear and the abode of the damned and said, "Oh no, you aren't filming this piece of crap HERE" and chucked it back.
The crew members begin to experience Shining-style visions and the corpses start falling. Hey, the Human Torch from the Fantastic Four also makes a cameo.
This cheerful little piece is brought to us for Paul "Mortal Kombat" Anderson. I'm no science whiz, that's for sure, but I think we need to pass a law that sci fi directors pass a BASIC SCIENCE PHYSICS class. Paul, let me share some secrets:
- If you get jettisoned into space without a suit, the result isn't just a nosebleed. Your eyes explode, you freeze to death, and all oxygen is sucked out of your body at once. This is known in medical and scientific circles as "Instant Death."
- Remember that in space, "Nobody can hear you scream?" You are obviously a disciple of the Alien movies, so you should have picked up on this one.
- For the one-billionth time!! EXPLOSIONS DON'T GO "BOOM" IN A VACCUUM!
Of course, I can't speak of the extraplanar physics of how a man's eyes suddenly regenerate after he adopts the "Hellraiser" look, so I'll give him the benefit of the doubt on that one. I guess it's part of Hell's Special Barker Package. "Put on the embarrasing lines and we'll refund your eyes instantly!"
This movie is so bad it's insulting. It's insulting because it tries to pass itself off as psychological horror, and instead it's just buckets of guts and pretense. I'm going to get in touch with my congressman and lobby for it to be a federal offense to try and mix demonic horror and sci fi. All offenders must be strapped down and forced to watch an Adam Sandler marathon.
Let me close with a recipie:
THE EVENT HORIZON FALLEN SOUFFLE:
1 cup of Hellraiser
1/2 cup of Aliens
1 tsp of Star Trek
A dash of Dune
1 Quart dumb dialogue
Insultingly outrageous stretches to taste
1 packet of "Anderson Physics"
Mix well and cook for 90 minutes. Serves hundreds, but have the stomach pump handy.
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