Hard Ticket to Hawaii
Reviewed by Chris Edwards
Rating: 8 Beans
his is a multi-purpose review. While it concerns itself specifically with 1987's "Hard Ticket to Hawaii," it may be equally applied to any movie made after 1987 with the name Sidaris anywhere in the credits. Because auteur Andy Sidaris, wife Arlene, and assorted offspring have busied themselves for over decade giving the world the same movie over and over and over.
The formula is unchanging-low-rent James Bond hi-jinx enacted by a shifitng cast of soap opera hunks and buxom centerfold gals. Throw in lots and lots of footage or airplanes taking off and landing, people driving cars not too much nicer than yours, and ham-fisted action sequences with not-terribly-exotic weapons. Oh, and lots of remote control cars, too.
"Hard Ticket to Hawaii" is the film that sees Andy Sidaris finding his feet with his patented mix of topless gals and goofy mayhem. The plot entails-as most of them do-jewels, smuggling, and assassination. There's also a loopy sub-plot about a plague-ridden snake loose on Molokai (it looks very much like the snakes one commonly finds popping out of gag peanut cans). Before the credits finally roll, you're treated to sumo wrestlers, a guy on a skateboard with a gun and a blow-up love doll, a female bodybuilder doing the world's simplest nunchuk routine, a razor-edge frisbee of death, a cross-dresser...I could go on and on.
Sound like your kind of movie? It's just one of many Sidaris efforts, none quite so looney, but all loaded to the gills with sun, sleaze, and amature-level production values. Flesh out your festival with "Savage Beach," "Picasso Trigger," "Do or Die," "Hard Hunted,""Guns," "Fit to Kill," "Enemy Gold," "The Dallas Connection," "Day of the Warrior," or "Return to Savage Beach." See if you can spot the many deaths of returning heavy Al Leong. See a character played by Pat Morita in one movie become a suave Englishman in the next.Witness the recurring use of a rocket-launcing cane and a briefcase with a cow pattern on it. Thrill to the acting of Erik Estrada. And listen carefully to the words of Rodrigo Obregon, the one actor who shows up in all of these movies. Can anyone understand a word he's saying?
"Hard Ticket to Hawaii" clocks in at a hefty eight beans in a D-Cup, with points off for Andy giving himself a loooong awkward cameo. See it with someone you love.
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