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The 100




Hardbodies
(1984)
Reviewed by Tom Panarese
Rating: 9.5 Beans

t took three people to write this movie.

I repeat, it took THREE people to write this movie.

That being said, I hope the three people who were paid for writing "Hardbodies" cashed their checks pretty quickly, because this is 90 minutes of my life I will never get back.

Nasty comments about the quality of the movie aside, "Hardbodies" is one of those films that, 20 years after it was made, looks incredibly dated. Cut from the "Porky's" and "Screwballs" sex-comedy mold, it's a jiggle-vision romp on a Southern California beach; however, unlike "Porky's," there really is no timelessness. Just an unfortunate footnote in the in-denial-of-AIDS, Reagan-era early 1980s.

Scotty Palmer (Grant Cramer) is a Moondoggie for the 1980s, the king of the Malibu beaches, the guy all the babes want. In other words, Scotty is THE MAN. He hangs around with Rag (Courtney Gains) and his steady girl is Kristi (Teal Roberts). Life couldn't be sweeter. Except Scotty has just been evicted from his apartment and he's sleeping under a lifeguard stand on the same beach where topless women frolick in the surf.

Enter Hunter (Gary Wood), Ashby (Sorrels Pickard), and Rounder (Michael Rapport), three divorced middle-aged men looking to score some hardbodies. What, you didn't think the title had any meaning, did you? Yeah, "hardbodies" is the slang term Scotty and the boys use for the hot women they are scoping out. And with Hunter, Ashby, and Rounder it's more like striking OUT. That is, until Hunter offers to pay Scotty to train them how to pick up women. With nowhere to stay, and in desperate need of money, Scotty accepts.

Cue the "hitting on women" montage. And the party scene. And the next party scene. And the scene where several woman go topless. And the other scene where several women go topless. And the subplot where Scotty inexplicably begins managing a band (played by 1980s female hair band Vixen). And the inevitable "I've created a monster" scene.

This monster would be Hunter, who has become somewhat of a letch--he's a little too rough with one girl, and has decided that he's going to use his newfound libido to hit on Kristi. Kristi pretty much falls for it, too. That is, until Scotty, Rag, and Ashby team up to humiliate Hunter at yet another party.

So "Hardbodies" has no value whatsoever. In fact, I think the only times I have heard it mentioned anywhere is as a punchline. Otherwise, what you have is a forgettable beach romp that is nothing but a predecessor to the T&A of "Baywatch" (although even THAT show had some substance to it), and the great minds that created Steve Sanders and Zack Morris definitely had watched the exploits of Scotty Gardner a few times.

But not even that justifies the $3.00 I paid to rent it.






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