Reviewed by Ned Daigle
Rating: 9.5 Beans
f you are going to make an effective outer-space creature feature, one thing you have to remember: Don't be cheap! "Horror Planet" is a movie with the delusion that, if we don't show the alien or don't show the alien moving, we can still scare the bejesus out the audience. Wrong! Not only is "Horror Planet" embarassingly cheap and cheesy, but it is also very boring and slightly offensive.
Basically, the plot is the cliche-ridden one where a group of interstellar archaeologists on another planet accidentally....gasp....unearth an alien. However, since this movie had a budget of about $6 they really couldn't afford to give us an alien per se. Instead, they decided to cut corners and have one of the female crewmembers impregnated by an alien and then just have HER do all of the running around and killing. Combine that mistake of judgement with phony sets and "spacesuits" that actually look like motorcycle helmets. It would affectionally be called "low-budget".
You see, "Horror Planet" begins with the attack, off-camera, of the alien. One of the male crewmembers has been killed, and a woman is left in a catatonic state (I am unclear on names or characters. Because the script is so poorly written, the people barely HAVE names let alone distinguishing personalities. This movie couldn't even RISE to cliches).
During her catatonia, she hallucinates (or is a flashback), to being strapped down to a table and impregnated by an alien. This is how this whole scene is filmed: she opens her eyes, sees the phony looking foamrubber alien standing at the foot of the table, then we see a giant glass tube being inserted into her (yes, there) and nauseating green clumpy slime is poured in.
Anyway, the whole movie becomes, the more preggers she gets, the more murderous she becomes, dispatching the rest of the crew with wild abandon until she finally gives birth to two little squeaking foamrubber aliens, which then eat her.
This is about the most boring and crappily made attempt to cash in on "Alien" ever made. Between the woman's eye-popping overacting and slaughtering, there are loooooong stretches of banal nothingness. It wouldn't be so bad if the script weren't just so....well....shitty. My 3 year-old nephew could come up with better dialogue than this. A basic exchange would go something like: "Gee, what was out there?" "I don't know." and then there is "What are those crystals?" "I don't know."
The only single point of interest in the whole film is the appearance of a young Victoria Tennant ("All of Me", "Flowers in the Attic") making her film debut. I don't remember her character's name, but I remember the pregnant Alien-woman stabs her to death with a pair of scissors.
The original title of this mess was "Inseminoid", which gives a hint of the distasteful direction the movie was going in before their $6 dollar budget was wiped out.
Steer way clear of this cinematic dead zone.
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