I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
Reviewed by Diane Squires
Rating: 8.5 Beans
poilers? Well they would be if this movie didn't suck beyond the possibility of spoilage.
I am still pissed off about this stupid film. I'm also embarassed to admit that, yes, I went to see this colossal waste of my time on opening night. What can I say? I have really bad taste in movies and I was hoping they'd kill Jennifer Love Hewitt and Brandy. Spoiler ahead- they didn't. Damn.
As this sure fire insomnia cure opens, we are treated to poor little what's her name from the first movie pining away 'cause oops, all her friends are dead. Too bad, so sad. Luckily she has some new friends, like Brandy who spends all her time sneaking around in closets and popping out in order to motivate some very loud "scary" musical chords. Even the first time, this is neither surprising nor scary. By the tenth time, it's pretty darn pathetic. Why not just flash a subtitle on the screen that says "Be scared now".
Anyway Brandy and Jenny pop off to a hip club and who should be there but the hook weilding Gorton's Fisherman from the first film. Now, amazingly enough, no one in the club notices that Captain Hook has arrived dance the night away with Jenny and crew. I mean Hell, if a psychotic frozen fish icon turned up at the clubs I go to, it would be an event. Everyone would notice, we'd have him dancing in a cage in ten seconds flat. Never mind.
So, on with the plot. After about an hour, well it felt like an hour, of plot exposition, Brandy and Jenny win a trip to the Bahamas. They manage this spectacular feat by saying that the capitol of Brazil is Rio, which, by the way, it isn't. Now I'm not sure if the writers intended that I would be aware of actual geography and say "Uh-oh, this is a set up, run Brandy, run!!" or if I am supposed to be as ignorant as Jenny and Brandy so I will be surprised when it's all a set up. Either way, the film still sucks, and Jenny and Brandy and Brandy's boyfriend and Jenny's would be boyfriend all fly off for the vacation from Hell. Jenny's real boyfriend would have turned up too, but he was too busy being attached by Mr Gorton's. Remember how in the first movie the bodies were always gone by the time the authorities turned up, the exact same thing happens this time. Spare me, it was old the first time.
Anyway, they go to the Bahamas,which happen to be deserted, oh and it's storm season. Uh, huh. And the hotel has a staff of only five, all of whom are really rude 'cause they know they're only there to be killed off. I'd be pissed too. So for the next hour the plot goes like this, Fisherman kills someone with his hook, Jenny sees the corpse and flips, the corpse disappears, Brandy's boyfriend gets mad because Jenny's antics are keeping him from making it with Brandy.
By this point, we have known who the killer is for at least 45 minutes (my sister pegged it ten minutes into the movie) and I am crying that I want to go home and when are they going to run out people to kill for Godsakes!! Now that they've run out of random people we don't care about, Brandy's boy is next for the chop. His is the only murder worth watching. It was almost scary. Almost. After all, he wanted to have sex, and that's the next best thing to a death wish in a slasher flick.
So finally, Jenny's half dead boyfriend makes it to the island. Just in time, since they've killed off the random voodoo man (why is he there? why not?) and the available victim supply is exhausted. You know that Brandy and Jenny can't die. Guess who can?
You guessed it. Only wait, just as my sister predicted would be boyfriend boy is one of the killers. He's a Gorton too! But he's still doomed. Someone had to be.
Jenny's real boyfriend saves the day. Jenny shoots Gorton-man about thirty times. Brandy miraculously survived. They are all saved by a helicopter. The director wastes ten more minutes of my life witha tacked on pointless scare-attempt. It fails. I leave . I feel sick.
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