Reviewed by Jenny LeComte
Rating: 8.5 Beans
he year is 2139 and movies are restricted to three categories - awful, very awful and bloody awful. In between lies an uninhabitable desertscape called Cursed Hollywood. Anarchy has hit the movie studios and crimes against the motion picture industry are out of control.
But a solution has been found. An elite police force has been created right here on the Bad Movie Night website. We are the judges, the jury and the executioners. We are on the beat night and day in an effort to make it safe again for decent, law-abiding citizens to go to the cinema.
I am about to make an arrest. The suspect is Sylvester Stalone. I've got him in my sights and am approaching in a westerly direction on my cyber-cycle. I have just called for reinforcements and I'm toting a very big gun indeed. ARE YOU FEELIN' LUCKY, PUNK? WELL, ARE YOU?!
Sylvester Stalone, you are under arrest for crimes against the motion picture industry. I'm not gonna read you your rights because after producing "Judge Dredd", you don't have any.
So here we go. Charge number one - impersonating a comic book character and being even more one-dimensional than he is. Three years.
Charge number two - running the entire gamut of emotions from A to B and only using two facial expressions during an entire 96-minute film - the "sexy sneer'' and the "petulant pout''. Five years.
Charge number three - gratuitous wearing of singlet tops, tight leotards and braces to show off your gym-toned physique. We all know you've got a body like an action figurine, but do you need to be so blatant? Four years.
Charge number three - wearing enormous gold epaulettes and associating with people who look like storm troopers on steroids - 10 years.
Charge number four - failure to enunciate. Movie-goers were robbed of the dubious pleasure of hearing most of your corny lines in this film (example - I AM the law) because you were mumbling. Shame, Sylvester, shame. Five years.
Charge number five - bad acting. I've seen eucalyptus trees more animated than you, matey. Three years.
Charge number six - making an absolute stinker of a film. 20 years.
You may be interested to know that earlier today, I arrested your co-star Diane Lane (Judge Hershey - the token love interest), Rob Schneider (Fergie - the token comic relief) and Armand Assante (the token bad guy). They have been charged with being accessories after the fact.
Whaaat? You're all pleading not guilty? Hah! To borrow the most oft-uttered line in your stupid movie - I KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO SAY THAT!
Life imprisonment, the lot of you. The court is adjourned.
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