Mortal Kombat: Annihilation
Reviewed by Chris Bjuland
Rating: 6 Beans
group of beautiful people must stop the mad overlord Shao Kahn (and his father) from taking over the Earth. Only by engaging in a series of "kombats" (that would be "combat" for those not in the know) can they overcome their enemies and restore the Earth to it's pristine glory. And they only have six days to do it!
What a crock. Through fake combat, unrealistic situations, and fatal plot holes, this movie watches like the video game plays; choppy, incoherent, dorky, and full of characters we care almost nothing about.
As a martial arts fan, I wanted lots of good fights. I wanted realistic combat. I should have known better when the move list for the characters is full of crap like shoulder charge, up shoulder, hammer, taunt, laugh, grab n smack, energy photon blasts, two fireballs, air fireball, shriek wave, and air throw. Yes, I should have known, since I've played the game on those days when the Street Fighter 2 machine was broken.
But I must admit, I'm a sucker for a good looking fighting woman. And I know I'm not alone. I know all you people out there who play the Queen Sindel, Jade, Kitana, or any of a dozen other female fighting characters. You don't play Chun Lee (from SF2) because she's got a fast kick and has easy moves to learn. You play her cause she's a cute chick in a short skirt with some awesome animated legs and bouncy breasts. There's nothing more romantic and sexually exciting then beautiful woman who can fight. And for those people out there who agree, you won't be disappointed by the womanly sights on display in this film; Kitana (played so deliciously by Talisa Soto), Mileena (a dressed to thrill Dana Hee), Queen Sindel (looking like a vamped up Christina Ricci), and Jade (first seen in a hurt-me-fuck-me-now-before-I-beat-your-ass bikini). Seeing Sonya and Mileena kicking ass and grabbing each other in the mud sure made my night, and almost made up for the torture of having to sit there and watch this movie.
Not to be outdone by the ladies (but they are anyway), the rest of the cast is rounded out by a Tim Allen looking Motaro, Jax (Lynn Williams last seen pulling American Gladiator duty), Johnny Cage (Chris Conrad, who disappears from this film faster than little girls chasing after the Hansen tour bus), Rayden (played by I'm not Christopher Lambert but I'm reprising his role because he's to busy playing Kung Fu Grasshoppers or something James Remar), and Asian masterwork martial art Liu Kang (Robin Shou).
I must admit that I was disappointed that no one said "Prepare for Final Kombat" or "Flawless Victory" or "Chun Lee rocks" or "Damn, Jade, why don't you and Kitanna come up to my guest house in Outworld and stay the weekend?".
When you hear "Prepare for Kombat" know that you be fighting yourself as you squirm in your seat and try to put yourself in a martial meditative trance so you can whoop ass on the ticket seller or friend or local newspaper reviewer that lead you down the path to the darkside and brought you to the theater to lay down your money for what will hopefully be the Final Kombat (but we all know better). And as long as those beautiful fighting girls are front and center, you know I'll be back (and so will you).
Other reviews for this movie: