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The 100




Mummy, The
(1999)
Reviewed by Diane Squires
Rating: 5 Beans

ell, at least this thing was somewhat entertaining, if not particularly coherent. Here are some highlights of my viewing experience...

1. The ancient Egyptian chick with all the body paint, what does she do when she has to scratch an itch? Wouldn't she get smudged? And how can she be having a secret affair with all those people around all the time?

2. So, let me get this straight... Our buddy Imhotep, the soon to be Mummy, boinks the Pharaoh's babe then helps her kill the Pharaoh. About a zillion guards come running in. Escape is futile. She kills herself. Now despite all this, Imhotep manages to waltz on out of there without a scratch and without forgetting to take his dead bimbette's body with him (which is now neatly mummified). He drags her corpse all the way to another city, and no one even seems to notice that they're missing. No one chases them. No one cares.

3. Scarabs don't eat human fesh. They eat dung. Dumping them all over someone might make them very annoyed with you, but that's about it.

4. For one reason or another, never adequately explained, the Mummy has to steal some guy's eyes in order to see. The guy he picks is practically blind. I imagine the Mummy popping those useless eyeballs in his sockets and then saying "Oh crap! I still can't see!". This doesn't happen. He can see just fine.

5. God is going to be awfully pissed off when he finds out that Imhotep ripped off all his curses.

6. Why didn't the ancient Egyptians just kill Imhotep in the first place, instead of turning him into an all powerful mummy?

7. This movie ought to have a mummy in it. All you get is a skeleton that morphs into a Billy Zane look alike.

8. They should have hired Billy Zane to play himself, instead of having Arnold Vosloo do a Billy Zane impersonation.

9. The ending fight scene is a ripoff from a Sinbad flick I saw when I was six.

10. Did the prison warden die from flesh eating bugs, or from running head first into a wall? I couldn't tell.

The rest of it really wasn't interesting enough to comment on. The good guys were dull, and it was easy to predict which ones were doomed from the get go. The CGI sandstorm effects were nice, but the CGI "Ancient Egypt" left much to be desired. An oil painting would have done the job better and more cheaply.

I'm giving this a score of five beans. Don't expect too much, and you won't be disappointed.


Other reviews for this movie:

Jason Coffman




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