Reviewed by Jenny LeComte
Rating: 7.5 Beans
ere we have yet another pop star (the Artist Who Was Then Known As Prince) making a foray into films.
The name of Prince's character in this film (The Kid) is exactly the same as Adam Ant's in the truly terrible "Jubilee". Scary, huh? At this stage, I should play the theme from the "Twilight Zone'' in the background and get Vincent Price to do a guest voice-over.
Unlike the white-nose-striped one, Prince actually had a halfway decent album and some musical talent to back up his preposterous claim that "I ought to be in pictures". Before the Purple Pain decided to change his name to a symbol not recognised on any keyboard, causing entertainment editors the world over to have collective strokes, he made a white hot album. "Purple Rain" was - and still is - an essential part of any good music collection. It's a truly awesome collection of blistering funk, groovy dance tracks and an ode to masturbation which makes the Who's "Pictures Of Lily'' look like a non-starter.
The movie, on the other hand, is a dud. Billed as a "complicated tale of a man with a talent for music repeating his father's self destructive behavior'', "Purple Rain'' is nothing more than a "I've got a hot album so let's cash in quick'' exploitation flick.
"Purple Rain'' stars rock star wannabe Apollonia, who Prince just happened to be screwing at the time. Not only can't this almond-eyed beauty act her way out of a paper bag, but she is blessed with absolutely no musical talent and rampart stupidity to boot.
In a memorable scene, Prince asks Apollonia to strip off and take a dip in the lake. She gets her gear off before he has barely finished the sentence. Me? I would have said: "You first, lover.'' Otherwise, I would have thought of a very pressing engagement...like giving my cats flea baths or shopping for cheese.
After Apollonia goes for an unclad swim in the dead of winter (stupid so and so that she is), Prince mounts his motorbike and rides off into the sunset. Apollonia chases after him, water-logged breasts flapping in the breeze. The cameraman gets tired and the next minute, Prince's city motorcycle tyres inexplicably change to off-road tyres. I read that in a movie trivia mag and thought I would add it for the amusement of BMN readers.
In the end, Apollonia tires of Prince and takes up with another musician. Can't say I blame her. I know Prince is a Gemini, but his dual personality is one notch short of schizophrenia. One minute, he's so shy he can only talk to his hand puppets backstage. The next minute, he's ripping off his clothes like a burlesque queen and simulating sex onstage. Go figure.
If you, like me, bought the "Purple Rain'' album and loved it to death, do yourself a favour. Under no circumstances watch this film.
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