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The 100




Sirens
(1994)
Reviewed by Jenny LeComte
Rating: 7 Beans

n Greek mythology, sirens are beautiful sea nymphs who lure sailors to their death by
singing songs like Come On Over And Crash Into This Coral Reef.
But in this John Duigan perve-fest, the only sirens youre going to hear are the ones
attached to emergency services vehicles. Danger, danger. Bad acting, bad costumes
and bad dialogue ahead. Do not rent this film. I repeat, do not rent this film.
Naturally, a lot of men will ignore my wise counsel. To them, theres a very good
reason watching seeing Sirens - Aussie supermodel Elle Macpherson in the nuddy. I was unfortunate enough to see this film in an Australian cinema and was
nearly deafened by the cries of show us yer tits.
Yes, its true. Elle does strip off and she also licks Stilton from her fingers in one scene
(oh, boys, BEHAVE!) Its probably the first decent meal shes had since that snow pea
at five oclock. And they say Elle gained weight for this role? Oh, puleeze. Last time I
saw something that thin, it had toothpaste in it.
Sirens also features Kate Fischer, the good time thats been had by all. Prior to
becoming engaged to Sydney media heir James Packer, Katie was a well-known party
girl. She hosted a documentary on underwear and was photographed falling out of
low-cut dresses with monotonous regularity.
Portia De Rossi rounds out the trio of naked bimbos...oops, artistic muses...cavorting
around the Blue Mountains property of Norman Lindsay (Sam Neill), a controversial
artist who shocked Australian society in the 1930s. An American newspaper reviewer
said De Rossis acting performance was the best of the three models. Thats like
saying the observation deck was the best place to sit on the Titanic.
The plotline is thus. Youve got three naked broads, a crazy artist, a blind guy who sits
around naked on rocks and only says one word in the whole movie (bulldust),
wombats, goannas, snakes and a thunderbox (outside toilet). Then along comes novice
clergyman Anthony Campion, played by Divine dallier and prize putz Hugh Grant.
Campion brings along his uptight wife Estella (Tara Fitzgerald).
The Campions get off to a horrid start when a pub drunk tells them to get f...ed and
they scab a lift off two drongos in a tabletop truck. If you ever wanted to see evidence
of the Missing Link, check out the Campions chauffeurs.
Upon arriving at Lindsays property, Estella is bustled off for a swim and freaks out
when the girls strip off. Anthony, meanwhile, has a simply splendid time climbing
rocks and squealing: I am a mountain goat! At dinner, he gets to don a really stupid
gladiator helmet and listen to Kate Fischer play piano (something Id rate right up
there with getting teeth pulled).
You can soon tell that Anthony and Estellas marriage is not a passionate one.
Anthony likes to do the deed fully clothed and fall asleep afterwards, snoring like a
power drill. And lets face it - I dont really think Hugh Grant shags like a minx, do
you? Just THINKING about Hugh Grant shagging like a minx makes me want to
throw up.
Estella soon seeks sensual pleasure elsewhere. Shes surrounded by naked women who
invade her personal space and a naked man who hangs around near the rocks where
she swims - not to mention all those slithering goannas and snakes. Ooh, how
positively phallic! At church, Estella imagines herself playing British bulldog naked in a
river and getting gang-raped by a whole heap of drunks. She walks in on Kate and Elle
playing strip poker with the drongos from the tabletop truck. And when Portia gets
pissed on Midori and misses a sexual rendezvous with the blind man whos always
sitting naked on rocks, Estella takes her place. In all, its a very jolly afternoon.
If you, however, are looking for a jolly afternoon, dont rent this movie. I repeat, dont
rent this...oh, boys, BEHAVE!!!









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