Reviewed by Jason Catanese
Rating: 5.5 Beans
iclaimer: If you are offended by foul language(as i know some of you are), do not read this review, there are a few uses of colorful language in the below paragrahs. While you're at it, don't see the movie, as it also contains about 250 foul words. Thank you.
Here we go, another pseudo-Tarantino rip-off that fails pretty miserably. Don't get me wrong, the story was actually halfway decent. The thing is I could on on for weeks about those goddamn characters. These are the most annoying, unlikable, jackrags I've seen in awhile. I hated them all.
Okay, not all of them. Christopher Walken, who spends most of the movie tied up in a chair, turns in his usual performance, albeit a little more restrained than normal, and Denis Leary is a pretty good hitman. It still make me laugh at the fact that this dude was in "Operation Dumbo Drop." I don't see him and kids movies mixing. Onto the others, who are played by Henry Thomas(that E.T. kid), Jay Mohr(the modern day classic "Mafia!"), Sean Patrick Flannery(I don't know, some movie, I would assume), Johhny Galecki(what was he on? "Roseanne" or "Head of the Class?" Don't know or care), and some other guy who's name escapes me. Anyway, these are the most annoying characters I've ever seen, I'll say it again. You know what? One more time for the kids: These characters are the bacteria in the cavity of the fly's mouth that feeds on the ground beneath Satan's bowels. There.
The plot, for those who must know: Those aforementioned fuckrags kidnap Christopher Walken, an ex-mob boss, and hold him for ransom in exchange for other kidnappers who are holding that E.T kid's sister. The plot thickens, and it turns out there may be an inside player in on the kidnapping, meaning one of the hot young actors may be behind the girl's kidnapping. The plot twists and turns here and there, and the suprise twist ending(well, the 8th or 9th one) actually holds up under close examination, so I can't fault the writers for that. It's just that you grow to hate the characters so much, you don't care who did it. I won't spoil the ending of any mystery movies, for not matter how good or bad they are, when you know the ending, it loses anything it may of had. Some asshole Bob Currie reviewed "The Game" on this site and gave away the fuckin' ending! I saw it a few weeks later, and what do you know? I saw the ending coming. Next time someone does that, I'm going to rip their balls off, eat them, and shit them out on their face! I'm sorry for my rant. The above would not pertain to famales.
My final paragraph involves Laura San Giacomo's part in this movie. NO REASON! There was absolutely no reason for her to be in this film. Those of you who have seen this will know what I'm talking about. It's as if the makers needed to fill the obligatory female role, so they decided to throw her in. She has about 5 minutes scre---why? I can't see--there, not a clue---what? I'm completely beside myself right now.
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