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The 100




Titanic
(1997)
Reviewed by Diane Squires
Rating: 6.5 Beans

've watched this film about a hundred and thirty-seven thousand times and the problem is, it still hasn't gotten any better. The dialogue is probably the worst ever written, and I say that even though I have watched the horror that is Ernest Goes to School. The casting is still inexplicable, the acting is no less half-hearted the hundredth time you watch it than it was the very first time. I can only justify my bizarre attachment to this hideous waste of celluloid by saying that damn, the boat looked cool when it sank.

You already know the story. Jim Cameron set out to prove he could force people to sit for three and half hours without a bathroom break. His insidious plan involved filming a plot so smarmy, so sappy, that every woman on earth would drag everyone she knew to go see it and REFUSE to let them leave their seats on pain of being called insensitive. The resultant batch of treacle involves exceedingly fake lovers thrown into sharp releif against a very real looking boat. Had Cameron been shooting for ironic satire, he would actually have deserved all those awards.

Fade in on the wreck of the Titanic, very cool. Next scene- some dull wraparound plot, whatever, let's get back to the boat. Look at the pretty boat and look at the pretty people getting on the pretty boat in all their pretty costumes. Among them is Kate Winslet as Rose, a sour pouty girl who seems determined to be certain that everyone around her knows that she thinks everything sucks, including them. The other half of our pair of lovers, Leonardo di Caprio looks about twelve, so any scenes of him romancing anyone make you kinda want to squirm.

Kate and Leo, I mean Rose and Jack- we should remember those names since they are only repeated about three times per frame- run around, fall in love, get separated and almost find each other at which point even the boat can take no more and sinks itself for the good of society at large. The sinking is fantastic, and if you're wise enough to hit the mute any time anyone attemps to talk, it will make you cry. I'm not kidding, try it and see.

Thanks to an unbeleivable freak of coincidence or poor writing, Rose survives the disaster. Jack does not. Twenty minutes after promising to never let go, Rose lets go and then dumps his frozen carcass into the abyss. She blythely heads off for a new life, preferably one which not include anymore ocean crossings.

The thing that I hate most about this movie is that it could have been good, but wasn't. Look at the props, look at the effects, look at the costumes, look at the extras and the supporting cast... look at anything that will keep your mind off the wretched plot and dialogue so bad yours ears just might bleed.

"Only God could sink this ship..."

God sinks the ship.

"You unimaginable bastard."




Other reviews for this movie:

Nathan Johnston
Mike Lenzlinger




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