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The 100




Warlock
(1989)
Reviewed by Diane Squires
Rating: 6 Beans

h, the haunting melody of the "Warlock" theme! It's only slightly less haunting than the "Torgo" theme from Manos: the Hands of Fate, although it's repeated about ten times as often.

You just know a film has got to suck when the previews before it are all for movies you've never heard of, and none of them look good. Oh and they proudly display the names of actors you have NEVER heard of in bold highlighted text. That's a big red flag.

Anyway, Warlock opens in Pilgrimville, where everyone looks very depressed and they say words like "Prithee" and "Thou" a lot. It seems that Julian Sands has escaped from Merchant Ivory's art film dungeon and has been terrorizing the washed-out townsfolk. Knowing that the only way to defeat a pretentious british actor is to hire a slightly less pretentious british actor, the unhappy villagers hired Richard E Grant. Richard has beaten Julian by scaring him into submission with a scottish accent, and locked him up in thumb/toe-screws. Unfortunately , Satan arrives in the form of a big special-effect (proving that James Cameron and the "Divvill" must be one and the same) and rescues Julian- propelling him and Richard both into the much cheaper to portray on film year of 198-whenever-they-filmed-this-thing.

Welcome to the eighties, where Lori Singer parades around in the ITCHIEST looking clothes I have EVER seen. I get uncomfortable just thinking about that sweater. Julian shows up at Lori's place and instead of calling 911- I mean, come on, he's a Ren-Fair reject wearing thumb screws, wouldn't you call 911?- she and her roommate decide to let him stay the night. In gratitude, Julian kills the roommate the next morning- thus saving him from having to be in this movie. Soon after, Scrooge McDuck- I mean Richard- arrives to save the day. This time Lori calls the cops.

While Richard cools his heels, and his bearskin coat, in prison, Julian hooks up with Satan via psychic Mary Woronov and casts a spell on Lori. A horrified Lori awakes the next morning to find that her hair has changed back to its original color! The only thing she can do is spring Richard from the clink. They drive off to save the day, and make all the required jokes and comments about Richard being from the seventeenth century and not knowing about cars and planes etc. This goes on for about forty five minutes, Julian kills, Lori ages and Richard says "Tarry not!". There's nothin' like a movie roadtrip.

At last, Lori is saved, and just in the nick of time. They were starting to run out of creative age makeup. However, we haven't filled out the requisite hour and a half yet, so Julian has to have another trick up his sleeve. Turns out, he's after the Grand Grimoire (note to Julian: you don't want this book. Look what it did to the people in Evil Dead!) in order to undo Creation. If he actually did undo Creation, I don't think that anyone would miss it. Richard and Lori chase him to Boston anyway, where they have it out in a churchyard. I'm not going into how all that comes about, because it's all pretty obvious when you see the film. In the end, good triumphs blah, blah, blah, if only because they didn't have the effects budget to undo Creation.

Whatever happened to Julian Sands? It seems like his career has disintegrated into Warlock II and Boxing Helena.

Only six beans for this one. It ain't half bad for a low budget flick and the acting is downright passable- even the McDuck accent. If you want an enjoyable Bad Movie, this one is highly reccommended. Don't expect too much and you'll be pleasantly surprised.








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