Reviewed by Jason Coffman
Rating: 10 Beans
lmost Heroes" has the dubious honor of being the worst movie I have ever seen in a movie theater. It is boring, overlong (at 90 minutes), and absolutely not funny. Not once during its entire running time did I even smile because the movie was so pathetic. Nope. It's horrible, and I beg anyone who reads this to not waste your time and/or money. This one gets a ten out of ten in a bad way (unlike "Avenging Disco Godfather," which you should see immediately). There are not words for this.
Matthew Perry, star of "Fools Rush In," stars as Leslie Edwards, a would-be explorer who wants to beat Lewis & Clark and make it into the history books. He needs help, though, so he hires Bartholomew Hunt (Chris Farley). Hunt is the Chris Farley character: he falls over a lot, he drinks constantly, and he sometimes screams things at the top of his lungs. I'm certain that everyone involved thought they had struck comedy gold with this formula while Farley was alive, but now it comes across as sad. Even if it didn't, though, it wouldn't be funny.
The cast of characters in "Almost Heroes" is horrible. There's the Hostile French Guy (Eugene Levy; Levy's presence in a film is never a good sign) with a Beautiful Indian Wife (Lisa Barbuscia). There's an incredibly stupid guy who thinks if he speaks into the severed ear of his friend, his friend will hear it, and there's the guy with the severed ear, who tells an amusing story of how he ate excrement. I am sad to say that it is not as funny as it sounds.
If I'm a little off on the character descriptions and all, it's mainly because I don't care. This film has no redeeming value whatsoever. The only other time I've been this close to walking out of a movie theater was during "Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil" (which absolutely demolished the worthless "Anaconda"). If you think watching Chris Farley fall down and get sloppy drunk for an hour and a half is funny, you'll still be disappointed because so much time is taken up by Perry's character. Incidentally, he's not funny at all, either. Not since "Game of Death" has a movie felt like it was so many times longer than it actually is.
Chris Farley fans will no doubt want to see "Almost Heroes." However, as horrible as this is, Farley was extremely funny in his much smaller part in "Dirty Work," starring Norm MacDonald. I would strongly suggest avoiding "Almost Heroes" at any costs, whether it be in your local multiplex or on your local "Saturday Movies" station after terrible syndicated programming and before more terrible syndicated programming.
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