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The 100




Nail Gun Massacre, The
(1985)
Reviewed by Jason Coffman
Rating: 10 Beans

oodness me. Even if you've seen hundreds of films, and you're certain you've seen that one film with the worst production, direction, acting, etc. etc., you're still likely to end up being surprised. I know I certainly was by "Nail Gun Massacre." Before this, the worst movie I had ever seen was "Poor White Trash II." Now, that classic has been completely beaten out by this complete trash. Incredible.

As you may have guessed from the title, there's a character with a nail gun who goes around killing people. Enough, you may have gathered, for the situation to be labelled a "massacre." Now, in most low-budget horror crap, the killer says some dumb one-liner when he/she kills someone. Not in this film. After killing, the murderer hovers over his victim and says line after line, as though the writer just HAD to get all these GREAT lines in the script and couldn't bear to leave anything out. Combined with the difficult-to-understand voice (which I guess is supposed to sound menacing, but is just really annoying), these scenes are incredibly awkward.

But not nearly as awkward as the scene in the grocery store. You see, there's an old lady who works at the grocery store, and I guess the director probably asked her if she'd like to play the part of the checkout counter lady. Because she just happened to be working that day. She says her lines in a stilted, wooden manner ("I remember when we could sit outside on our porch and not have to worry about the mosquitoes and the killers"), and for a brief moment, looks directly into the camera. By the time this scene was over, I was crying. I have not laughed this hard in a long time.

Giving away who the killer is isn't a bad thing to do, since anyone watching will have it figured out well before the film is over. However, the motives behind the killings are almost completely obscure: sure, he kills the rapists, but why the hitchhiker (who gets nailed to the road)? Why the girl on the street in the middle of town... in broad daylight? Massacre, indeed.

Unfortunately, this movie isn't very hard to find. I found it in two different video stores, which disturbed me terribly. I was hoping this was the only copy around. However, if you are aching to see the absolute worst filmmaking (both in a technical sense and an aesthetic sense), "Nail Gun Massacre" is your ticket.






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