Reviewed by Nathan Johnston
Rating: 7.5 Beans
od Bless Pay TV/Cable. If we hadn't had Pay TV
installed in our house I would have missed watching
this low budget 90's sci-fi flick with special effects that were outdated and weak even in the 70's. I would have missed watching a sci-fi T&A flick that knew that its only way of stopping viewers from slipping into a coma was gratuitous
Anyways, this movie is actually listed in the IMDb as 'Droid Gunner'. I dunno, either title is equally stupid to me, but at least 'Cyberzone' at least sounds half exciting. Either way you have been warned.
Moving on, here is an outline of the plot... dum da dum dum!!!
Okay, its the year 2077 and Phoenix is beach front property due to the 'Big Earthquake'. In Phoenix, there is this bounty hunter called Jack Ford (played by Marc Singer, who can't act). Then there is a trader called Hawks (played by Mattiahs Hues, who can't act). So, Hawks steals these four Pleasure Droid's, who's only purpose in the movie is to bear their rather ample breasts. Hawks then delivers the droids to this underworld city run by religous freak called Humberstone (played by Robin Clarke, who can't act). Anyways, Hawks almost gets killed as he lost one of the droids (remember that one folks) and gets stiffed on his payment. He says that he will find the final droid and get the rest of his money. Meanwhile Ford is hired to find the droids by some other corporate guy called Mr Reginald (played by Cal Bartlett, who can't act) who apparently owns the droids - even though they're illegal. Mr Reginald sticks Ford with a scientist, who is of course an attractive woman called Beth Enright (played by Rochelle Swanson, who can't act - this seems to be a recurring trend). From there Ford and Beth track down the droids extremely quickly to the underworld city and meet up with Hawks, they (shock horror) team up in a completely unexpected turn of events and infiltrate the underworld city by using Beth as the fourth Pleasure Droid in another shocking twist. They find the droids, kill Humberstone and escape, but not before Hawks (sob sob) dies in the final shoot out. The End.
Deep breath to replenish lung capacity.
Here are my 'Top 10 Readons Why CyberZone is a Bad
Movie', drum roll please.....
10. A lost love of Ford's that is never explained and who's only mentioned through a fob watch(?!?).
9. Whiskey is referred to as a local anesthetic.
8. The fact that companies in the future openly have
'Corporate Espionage Departments'.
7. The emotion that Ford displays when Hawks is shot dead in the final shootout - I've seen rocks show more emotion.
6. Beth carries a large bag around with her for most of the movie presumably to keep equipment in that disables droids. Yet she only needs one small implement to actually disable one.
5. An Assassin Droid with a really bad Arnie
Schwarzenegger accent - a poor man's Terminator.
4. Sparkling action scenes that include Ford blowing up a chopper with his six shooter.
3. One liners such as "I don't have time to bleed" and "Lets go to my place, I have a Band-Aid" when Ford is shot.
2. Humberstone's death scene - I still can't figure out what he was killed with and how it killed him.
1. The space dog fight between Hawks and the authorities when he steals the Pleasure Droids.
However, the most memorable part in the movie... would have to be when Swanson is acting as a Pleasure Droid, Ford and Hawks try and get Humberstone interested in her by telling him that she has enhanced 'oral pleasure features'. Humberstone who can't resist 'sampling the merchandise' tries to experience these enchanced features first hand. Swanson then tries to put him off by saying that her 'enhaced oral features' are the gifts of convesation, listening and he ability to speak different five languages. Now I couldn't understand why Humberstone didn't say "Really,
you can rectie a year by year history of the Hundred Years War in Latin. Why didn't you say so, I'd much rather that than get a blow job!" Maybe I'm just too innocent because conversation is always the first thing I think of when I hear the words 'oral pleasures' uttered.
A close second though, is when Beth - you can just tell that Swanson bristles with talent can't you? - walks into a brothel pretending to ask for work as a diversion for Ford. Now how would you out there ask for a job in a brothel? How about with the line "How do I get a job application". Also, I bet that you didn't know that prostitution is a "very demanding"
profession, with a "vigorious employment schedule". Now if the delivery of these lines in the movie doesn't cause you to double over with laughter then you have got a sick sense of humor.
"We are programmed to excel in bondage as well as group sex" - Pleasure Droid
Try and keep a straight face.
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