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The 100

Varsity Blues
Reviewed by Stephenee Snell
Rating: 10 Beans

reside with an MTV adicted fourteen year old female and when I caught a snip of their latest release "Varsity Blues" I knew I was doomed.

Now, I'm proud to be a Texan, born here and live here today, wouldn't live anywhere else. However, I absolutely can not stand how we are stereotyped! Contrary to popular belief, not all of us drink Lone Star beer; drive pickups with our names emblazened on them; actually know someone named Billy Bob; have pigs for pets; or worship high school football. Unfortunately, this is how MTV sees us. I now truly fear that we will be known as the Gomers of the universe after I saw "Varsity Blues."

Jonathan "Mox" Moxon (James Van Der Beek: if you don't have an adolescent female you need know nothing more) is the backup QB in his senior year of high school. He's content in this role as his sights are set on Ivy League scholastics. His girl loves him for not playing the jock role. Lance Harbor (Paul Walker: who?) is the all-everything star QB complete with athletic scholarship and hot cheerleader babe. Fat-slob-ya-gotta-love-him Billy Bob (Ron Lester: who?) and pardy-hardy-drink-til-you-drop Tweeder (Scott Caan: James' son?) complete this circle of best buds. They are coached by Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight in his worst ever role) a hard demanding, gum chomping, no excuses SOB of a coach, God-like to the town and totally hell bent on a state championship. Just a typical TEXAS high school football team! WOO-HOO!

In typical fast-food scenario: Coach Bud forces Billy Bob to play with a concussion, Billy Bob falls down during a QB sack, resulting in Lance's knee getting f#@%ed beyond all repair. Coach Bud is some pissed because he has to send in Mox, knowing his championship has been kissed goodbye. But...good news, folks! This is TEXAS! Mox steps in, saves the day, and wins the game!

SO...the Coyotes keep winning; Mox begins to enjoy his new found fame and glory but his girl thinks he's selling out; Lance's hot cheerleader babe ditches him in his time of need to hit on hero Mox (and wait til you see the whipped cream scene: I had to explain to my daughter Hollywood's incessant preoccupation in exploiting bimbo high school girls - a rather interesting conversation); Coach Bud gets pissed at Billy Bob and blames him for Lance's injury; Billy Bob cries because Coach doesn't like him anymore and he gives away his pet pig; and Tweeder gets drunk a lot, steals a police car and he and a bunch of chicks drive around town naked, but he doesn't get busted since he's on the football team. Because this is TEXAS!

Other stuff happens like Mox's girl finding out about hot cheerleader babe's whipped cream incident; Mox's dad living football fantasies through Mox; the outstanding token black player that Coach Bud (the evil, prejudice SOB!) won't play for college scouts to watch; and some bizarre side bit about Mox's little brother changing religions like changing underware. But don't forget, now: you're in TEXAS!

It's the night of the big game and Coach Bud tells Mox to play it his way or it's the highway with him blackballing Mox throughout the Ivy League. Poor, angst-stricken Mox: what's a sensative, pretty-boy, scholastic QB to do? Give the ball to the outstanding token black player during the big game because it's the right thing to do and besides, the guy scores a TD so what can Coach Bud say? But wait: outstanding token black player hurts his knee and during half-time, Coach Bud wants to shoot it full of drugs. Lance shows up just in time, imploring the player to just say no. Coach Bud goes balistic, hitting people, ranting, raving, neck veins bulging: truly a frightening sight. Our hero Mox states he will play no more downs with Coach Bud. Tension-filled silence ensues: and the whole team refuses to play anymore for Coach Bud. Poor Coach Bud is last seen taking the trophies off the shelves in his office, possibly understanding that it's not winning that counts...NAH!

Back to the big game! Who's going to coach? Why, crutch weilding Lance, who else? The Coyotes are behind with just seconds left on the clock! What's the play? Who gets the ball? Remember: you're in TEXAS, baby!

Typical high school fare included such as the sex ed class discussing reproductive organs (and the mysterious teacher), lots of beer, puking, high school bimbos and parent-kid conflict. Except for Van Der Beek and Voight, I'd never heard of nor seen anything with the other actors. Van Der Beek's best bet would be sticking with "Dawson's Creek." Voight should know better: his roles and acting continue to plummet with each new movie. And this guy has an Oscar! Who knows what kind of garbage MTV will release next.

There are some great things about Texas, including: the Alamo, ZZ Top, Tex-Mex food, Ft. Worth's stockyards, and Dallas' Deep Elum...note I have not added "Varsity Blues" to this list. I'm extremely frightened at the prospect of another movie about my beloved home state: anything could happen...afterall, this is TEXAS!

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