Reviewed by Jenny LeComte
Rating: 9.5 Beans
amantha Crain (Teri Hatcher) is a stupid model. Ed Molloy (Andrew Dice Clay) is a
stupid nightclub bouncer. And this, my friends, is a stupid movie. “Brain Smasher” is
an appropriate title because everybody in the film appears to either have a concussion
or be actively recovering from one.
The film begins with Sam breaking up with her boyfriend. He confesses he’s married
and, to make amends, gifts her with a $10,000 Rolex watch. Remember the watch
because it appears a lot in the movie - usually in the form of a stupid joke to pad out
the wafer thin script. In fact, I’d even go so far as to suggest the watch should be listed
in the credits. It certainly had better acting abilities than the rest of the cast.
After waving bye bye to her boyfriend, Sam gets a call from her botanist sister, Cammy
(Deborah Van Valkenburgh) who persuades her to smuggle a mysterious package into
the United States. Sam doesn’t take much persuading. She looks inside the package
and sees a red lotus in a Thermos flask. It looks benign enough. Even if she did get
stopped in Customs, Sam could always say it was a gee-gaw she picked up at the night
markets in Hong Kong. Hell knows, red lotuses in Thermos flasks are 10 a penny
When she gets to Portland, Oregon for her rendezvous with Cammy, Sam discovers
that the lotus endows people with incredible powers. Those who consume its petals
can be master of the whole universe and still have the time to sew their own coats,
finish a university thesis and put up several thousand jars of jam for the spring. That’s
probably why Sam found herself in a strange warehouse filled with even stranger Asian
men in Zorro masks advancing towards her in a menacing manner.
When one of them made a lunge for the lotus, Sam sprinted off into the night, leading
them on a merry chase despite the fact she’s wearing nine-inch stilettos at the time.
When the Asian men in Zorro masks catch up with Sam (probably because it’s near
impossible to run in stilettos), it looks like the jig is up.
‘Yikes,’ cries Sam. ‘The Ninjas have got me!’
‘We’re not Ninjas!’ hisses Wu, their illustrious leader who is played by some bloke
called Yuji Okumoto. I’d never heard of him prior to renting this godawful piece of
cinematic claptrap and hope I don’t again in the near future.
Enter the Brain Smasher. While Sam is across the road struggling with Wu and Co, Ed
the bouncer is cracking a few heads together to maintain order. The last guys who
tried to get into Ed’s nightclub with fake IDs ended up in hospital with cerebral
haemorrhages, hence the charming nickname. It’s even stitched across the back of his
Brain Smasher or not, Ed’s got an eye for the ladies - particularly ones in nine inch
stilettos trying to fight off strange Asian men in Zorro masks who keep saying they’re
not Ninjas when they obviously are. I mean, come on. I’ve seen Bruce Lee movies. I
love them for their comedy value, even if it’s not intentional. I know a bloody Ninja
when I see one.
When Sam begs Ed for assistance, he agrees to be her bodyguard provided she hocks
the Rolex. Her photogenic features cloud over for a moment. Then, upon realising
she’s going to die unless somebody big, mean and monumentally stupid goes into bat
for her, Sam strikes a deal. Ed sets to work at once, mowing down the Ninjas-in-denial
like crabgrass. About the fourth time he banged somebody’s head repeatedly against a
brick wall, I felt a trifle bored.
This feeling intensified as Ed continued his mission to find Wu and beat the absolute
crap out of him. Sam, of course, rendered every possible assistance and Ed ended up
falling in lerve with her. Considering her rapier wit (not) and razor-sharp intellect
(double not), I can see why Ed was so enamoured. I love the scene where Sam
emerged in a catsuit which looked like it had been sprayed on and a pair of thigh-high
boots with spike heels. In those kind of boots, your options are limited. You can either
sit down or look fashionable. You cannot do both. As for galloping all over Portland in
pursuit of homicidal, kick-boxing maniacs - well - I didn’t think it could be done. That
is, until Ed and Sam confronted Wu in a seedy pub, a rather acrimonious squabble
developed over the ownership of the lotus and they ended Wu’s reign of
Why glass-shattering? Well, every time Wu and Co got into confrontational situations,
they would emit the kind of high-pitched shrieks which could deafen a springer spaniel
living six suburbs away. We’re talking fingernails down blackboards, Bee Gees
trousers and the noise I made when somebody smashed one of my favourite wine
glasses. Lead crystal it was. Imported from Sweden. Worth more than my car and
computer put together. Losing that glass was one of my biggest regrets in life. Hiring
this video was another.
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a subsidiary of Syphon Interactive, LLC.
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