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The 100

Garbage Pail Kids Movie, The
Reviewed by Jason Catanese
Rating: 10 Beans

hey're out of the pail, and into your heart."

Now that's a bold statement if I've ever heard one. I've been meaning to see this god awful film for awhile now, but I've never seen it anywhere. But low and behold, right under my nose were TWO!! copies of this "movie" in the video store I presently work at. It's intriguing how we stock one copy of Schindler's List and two copies of the Garbage Pail Kids Movie, which I'm sure no one has rented since 1988, but who am I to judge?

On to the review. Now, the first thing missing from this movie is something known as a plot. For the life of me, I couldn't uncover anything other than a bunch of Garbage Pail Kids being let out of a garbage can. Oh, and something about........oh, who cares? No one would rent this for the plot. Here's some highlights:

First off, some of our fav characters from the infamous trading cards are here, including Valerie Vomit, Foul Phil, Nat Nerd, Ali Gator, Messy Tessie, Windy Winston, and Greaser Greg. Now, on the trading cards, the deformed version of the Cabbage Patch Kids came off pretty amusing, but brought to life, they run around like a bunch of midgets with severe cases of elephantitis, which is probably not what the producers hoped for. Anyway, my personal favorite was probably Nat Nerd, who was covered in obscene amounts of acne and pissed all over the floor whenever things started to pick up. I noticed that the urine appeared to be coming from somewhere other than his johnny rod, it actually looked like it was coming from his knee or something.

Another important plot point was when Ali Gator and Greaser Greg went into a bar titled "The Toughest Bar in the World." After Ali Gator tries to bite off one of the biker's toes, who, for some reason, was wearing biblical-like sandals, a fight ensues. The bikers realize that these odd looking fellows are pretty cool, and befriend them. This leads to a daring escape from the "State Home for the Ugly"(yes, another pathetic attempt at humor).

Having trouble following me so far? Well, this movie is so absurd that words simply cannot do it justice. The fact that this movie was made(by adults, remember), and released to theaters confounds me to the point of delirium. But no, I'm not done yet......

In the middle of this mess, the kids bust into a musical number! I figured maybe there would be a few more later on(which would be too much, believe me), but no, just one thrown in to pad the running time, and to make grown up viewers even more physically ill than before.

Also of mention, Mackenzie Astin, then hot young star of "The Facts of Life," is the star, along with Anthony Newley as some kind of Wizard who casts nonsensical spells, owns an antique shop, and dresses as if he's a passenger on the Santa Maria. There's also a subplot involving a fashion show which is ruined by Valerie vomiting on the bad guys, and Winston erupting an extreme rush of gas on the crowd. You see, this was done because the kids were the ones who actually made the clothes, and the bad guys and girls stole them to sell and model as their own. Okay, then....

I could go on and on, like the part where the bullies tie Astin to a pipe in the sewer and let septic backup from the city zoo run on his face, or Ali Gator getting drunk at a bar with some bikers, but I won't. This review is enough nonsense as it is.

What I did get out of it, however, was a touching message on how beauty is only skin deep, when Astin rejects a, I guess good looking for the late 80's girl because she crossed him. Although the ending has it set up that way, as far as I know no sequel is planned.

"Bad Movie Night" is a presentation of
Hit-n-Run Productions, © 1997-2006,
a subsidiary of Syphon Interactive, LLC.

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