Reviewed by Nathan Johnston
Rating: 4.5 Beans
kay, okay. I must have an IQ of roughly my age for going to see this. Why you ask? Well, aside from not liking anything that has come from the pen of one David E. Kelley and knowing this *film* was written by him, I still handed my money over at the ticket counter of my local cinema too see it. Now I know why the guy behind the counter had such an amused smile on his face. But then again he has to put up with this trash multiple times a day so... nyah nyah to him.
I think that Kelley is about as amusing and witty as a viral epidemic. Lesse... "LA Law": incomprehensible, "Picket Fences": forgettable, "Chicago Hope": lame "E.R" wannabe, "The Practice": pretentious. Then there of course is his flagship "Ally McBeal", a show that that does its best to turn me and probably most sane men into crazed misogynists who dream of cutting Calista Flockhart into little neurotic chunks of flesh with a weed trimmer.
Rant aside, this film pretty much plays out like "Ally McBeal" in the wilderness. I was actually expecting Bridget Fonda to morph into Ms McBeal at any instant. She bitches like her, whines like her and is generally unpleasant like her. Fifteen minutes into the film, Kelley's supposed witty adult banter, which he pretty much just lifted off scripts from "McBeal" and added a few profanites to, makes you want to cut your own ears off with a rusty butter knife. There is so much attempted comic conversation and overtone that it would fill the lake where the croc is living and very little of it is funny. There's the saying "too much of a good thing...", well this is an example of too much of a bad thing..., way too much.
Anyways, the plot of the film has Fonda being the victim of a philandering male (sound like any recurring theme you know of?) and being sent up to Maine to check out a tooth found in the remains of some poor sap who had the good fortune to escape a fate worse than death by being bitten in half. She meets a backwater sheriff (Brendan Gleeson), some park offical (Bill Pullman) and a nutter mythologist (Oliver Platt), plus some other inconsequential fodder who should end up as crocodile food but don't. Hilarity ensues... - oh sorry, no it doesn't - as this troupe of fools, crying out to be eradicated from the gene pool, track a 30 foot croc.
My sentiments to these people are summed up by words of another character, Mrs Bickerman (Betty White) "I'm rooting for the crocodile. I hope he swallows your friends whole". Unfortunately for her, I was also hoping she would be included on the menu. In one of the more distasteful scenes she leads a cow down to the river to the waiting croc and sits back and watches it being eaten. She then throws a hissy fit when another one of her cows is taken to be used as bait to catch the croc. Does anyone else smell a bit of hypocrisy here? Another sparkling show of human regard of nature has Fonda and Pullman laughing about a bear being swallowed by the croc. I don't think these people are regular subscribers to the RSPCA newsletter somehow.
There are other things that make this film constantly annoying, but I have already gone on too much to include them. That being said, there is always at least one person in the crew that you want to beat the living shit out of, whether it be because of the script, or the characters and their actions.
Other reviews for this movie:
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