Bone Collector, The
Reviewed by Scott Marshall
Rating: 7.5 Beans
K, here's what we're gonna do, we're gonna make a movie about a serial killer. Fresh idea, huh? And the killer- get this- leaves clues at the scenes of his crimes for the detectives to solve. If they solve it, they might save the next victim. The clues all refer to forensic evidence from older crimes, all of which are detailed in one book which could be easily found in a library or antiquarian bookstore.
What's that? SE7EN? Never heard of it. Was it popular? Really? Huh. Well, that's OK, because this movie is different. Y'see, the detective here isn't just a rookie cop- it's a HOT FEMALE rookie cop. And she's guided by a forensic expert who had a spinal injury but can still use his mouth and a finger. She's got a good instinct for forensic police work, you see, and she can be his eyes by wearing a camera..
Sorry? You're right, she does look kind of like Ashley Judd. KISS THE GIRLS? No, doesn't ring a bell.. SILENCE OF THE LAMBS? No.. look, I don't know where you're digging up these old turkeys but I assure you that this is going to be a gripping, sexy thriller unlike anything you've ever seen. Take this scene, for example, when the identity of the killer is revealed and it turns out to be the one guy that.. what's that? You knew all along it was him? But we had all signs pointing to Michael Rooker! Obvious? I don't think so. You must be some kind of a genius to have figured that out. Are you sure you haven't done any forensic work yourself?
Well, you've got to admit that the pairing of Denzel and Angelina Jolie is.. beg pardon? The sight of Denzel clamping his teeth down on the killer's jugular is one of the strangest things you've ever seen? And you find the implication that Denzel and Angelina becoming romantically involved is in poor taste after he points out earlier that he can only use his mouth and one finger? What, do you have something against the handicapped? Oh, it's just the way he said it. Well, you know, we didn't really expect anyone to remember that line after the final battle scene. Heck, I don't think we remembered it ourselves.
Okay, well, we won't keep you any longer. See you at the sequel!
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