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The 100




Witchouse
(1999)
Reviewed by Stephenee Snell
Rating: 9 Beans

t the ripe ol' age of fourteen, I saw "The Exorcist" when it was first released back in the early seventies, thus ruining any sort of future enjoyment of horror flicks. I mean, it scared the shit out of me! My teenage daughter was dying to see "The Blair Witch Project" after viewing the trailer for the first time. Word was that "Blair Witch" was far more frightening and chilling than even "The Exorcist" and no way was I going to even set foot near a movie-plex where it was playing. However, she eventually nagged, pleaded, and begged, so I swallowed my fears and took her. And laughed out loud as the ending credits rolled. Frightening? Chilling? I am much more frightened of The Teletubbies and their effects on small children.

A friend of mine and I were picking out videos last weekend at our neighborhood Hollywood Video, and I saw her intently studying the horror section. Now, even though I thought "Blair Witch" was totally inane, I still tend to shy from horror flicks, so I wasn't real thrilled when she pulled out a gruesome pictured video "Witchouse." But since I'd spent the better part of the evening vacationing in Margaritaville, I gave in without much protest.

Wish I'd protested a hell of a lot more!

This straight to video release begins as a young couple pull up to what I guessed was a haunted house. It must have been a haunted house because it was thundering and lightening and raining and late at night. The couple get out and since they're the first ones to arrive, you know they're going to be the first to die some horrible, gory death. They discussed the impending party that was to be held at the run down mansion. They had known the hostess - Elizabeth - from childhood, had teased her mercilessly throughout the years, and now in college, were not the best of buds. I'm thinking, why would you go to a party thrown by the class outcast, especially in a haunted mansion on a dark and stormy night? Okay, okay, it's a movie, I'm shutting up! So the guy gets horny and they decide to "do it" in the creepy basement and anytime anybody has sex in a horror movie you know for sure they're going to be off'd. Just as they begin to lose their clothes and get it on, two florescent green eyes float slowly towards them. The guy got hooked as he was giving the girl a hickie but I'm not too clear what exactly happened to her because then the other party goers arrived. I don't know what their names were, but you know the horror flick routine: a stoner; a geek genius guy and girl; a tough-bitch chick; another geek egghead; a slutty girl; a jock; and Elizabeth.

They all drink some beer and do some bong hits and then sit around a pentegram on the floor while Elizabeth tells them some story about Lilith the witch who got burned at the stake. One of the geek guys gets a vision of himself burning at the stake while the others watch. Or maybe he was just too wasted, I don't know. Anyway, he freaks out and decides to split and then he runs into the green-eyed thing and loses his head. Literally.

Then the jock and the slut go upstairs to "do it," so you know they're the next fresh bodies for Green-Eyes. While she takes a shower afterwards, Green-Eyes goes into the jock's body or something like that and then gets into the shower with the slut and goes into her body, too. At least, I think that's what happened because it sure didn't look like some kinky threesome to me.

Meanwhile, the others figure out - I'm not too sure exactly how - that Green-Eyes is really the ghost of Lilith and Elizabeth is her descendent. Oh yeah, the genius geek girl and guy find some book that says all of this. Then they figure out that everyone Elizabeth invited to the party are all descendents of the vigilante persons who burned Lilith at the stake fifty million years ago or something like that. And - here's the shocker - Elizabeth conjured up Lilith to seek revenge for their forefathers. Some stunner of a plot, huh?! And then - horrors! - all the lights go out!

The gang gets split up; stoner and tough-bitch chick run into Lilith and - well, you figure it out.

So now, both Lilith and Elizabeth are coming for the genius geeks and the geek guy is some electrical science major or something and he pulls some wires out of the wall and the geek girl throws the live wires on Lilith, frying her for good once and for all. I can't really remember what happened to Elizabeth, I think she got stabbed or axed or something. The party ends on a happier note with the two surviving geeks kissing on the steps of the haunted mansion as thunder and lightening crashes all around.

Thankfully, no strings or unanswered questions left for any sort of a sequel. But wait! This muck was released from the studios of Full Moon who continue to treat us to gems of this sort.

David DeCoteau directed this slap-stick comedy - oops! - horror flick. Get this: David DeCoteau also works under the names of Julian Breen; Ellen Cabot; Jack Reed; and Victoria Sloan...what the hell?! Is this a guy? A woman? Someone confused about their sexual orientation? Or merely someone who's got to make a buck some way and is too embarrassed to put his name on a piece of garbage like this. Just think: if David DeCoteau put his/her REAL name on this waste of celluloid, then perhaps DeCoteau might just get burned at the stake. And then, centuries from now, DeCoteau's descendent would have to throw a party in a haunted mansion on a dark and stormy night. And then, DeCoteau's descendent had to off the descendents of those who had burned DeCoteau at the stake. And expose future generations to hundreds and thousands of "Witchouse" sequels.

Now, THAT'S a horror story!






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