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The 100

Wedding Planner, The
Reviewed by Andy Bowers
Rating: 8 Beans

love big butts and I cannot lie". Oh Sir-Mix-Alot, will your musical genius ever become old in such a jaded dog eat dog era? No, such insight transcends the years and becomes even more poignant when we take time to reflect on a song that probably took you five minutes to write over a bottle of Colt .45 (Billy Dee Williams can't be wrong) God bless you Mix-Alot, God bless you.

But we do like well endowed posteriors do we not? How else could we explain Jennifer Lopez's rocket ride to stardom in the last five years? Posterior propellsion? Is she a singer who can act? Is she an actress that can sing? Scientists are baffled. Can she do it all? I mean even Elvis couldn't pull that off. Just watch Clambake to prove my point. But then again before his plump stage, Elvis didn't have a rump the size of a VW bug. Can a super-sized butt launch it's owner to fame and fortune when they possess little talent? Jennifer Lopez is the answer to that age old riddle.

The answer of course being - Hell yes. But I am really torn, because in the right project, Lopez is a credible performer (Out of Sight, Selena) but in others, she's expendable eye candy without an ounce of presence (Anaconda, the Cell) I guess she can sing (although she was dubbed in Selena), but most of her videos, much like the Holly Hobby innocence of Mariah Carey, revolve around shaking her money maker. I'm not here to dismiss her frothy Latino dance mix situation. Or her mis-fire relationship with Puff Daddy or P Diddy or PB&J (whatever he's going by now)

The Wedding Planner is out on video and it lands somewhere in the middle of an excruciatingly lucky acting career. It helps that she stars opposite the bland Wonder Bread of actors - Mathew McConaughey. You'll always come off looking good in that situation. He's like that stick of Big Red gum. Fresh and snappy out of the foil, but lacking in all flavor five minutes later. It's just that nobody has rolled down the window and tossed him out. Southern drawl and red-neck twang get you only so far in life, unless your last name is Bush.

So we have two leads who exude the combined personality wattage of a mini-light Christmas tree bulb. Lopez plays a sucessful wedding organzier, who has little time for such trivial things as a personal life, much alone the thought of her own wedded bliss, when she finds Mr. Right. Holy Co-inky-dink Batman! She crosses paths with a seemingly eligble bachelor (Matthew M.) who sweeps her off her feet - literally , in order as not to be crushed by a run-away BFI dumpter (where they found the script) So all goes well, and then BOOM! - it turns out he is about to marry the very woman Jenny L. is organinzing her current wedding for!

Confounded fate! Why do you mock her so? She thought she had found the man of her dreams! Is there no way that you can't make them live happily ever after only fifiteen miniutes into this smarmy heap of rom-com predictability? Yeah, no problem. If this starred Julia Roberts it still would have cleared one hundred million. The problem is, Lopez is a saucy Latino presence, done up like a mousy librarian who speaks in whispers. That's like casting Britney Spears as a doctor on ER, or Ricky Martin as a straight guy. If you get roped into renting this with the girlfriend, you could do plenty worse. At least you can enjoy the few shinining moments when it looks like Lopez may break free of the contrived movie that is holding her and her talented behind back.

But then again - she's going to end up with Matthew McConaughey, so who really gives a rat's ass?

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