Horror of the Blood Monsters aka Vampire Men of the Lost Planet
Reviewed by Jeff DeLuzio
Rating: 9.5 Beans
magine the future-- and you are there! The great spaceship vooms to life, taking you to a newly- discovered-- but, apparently, also a lost-- world inhabited entirely by stock footage. Man, did the director of this thing have a hard-on for stock footage. This entire picture appears to have been created by a maniac with stock footage, scissors, editing tape, and a few days of filming in a desert canyon. What he didn't have was a script that even attempted to make sense.
We begin in a dark alley where assorted innocent victims fall prey to marauding vampires while a voice-over ponderously relates information that has no meaningful connection to anything that will follow. Vampires on Earth, it seems, trace their lineage to the alien "Tubatan" vampires who have the biggest honkin' fangs ever shown in a vamp pic. I mean, we're talking prehistoric "sabre-tooth vampires." A panicked point-of-view shot has us surrounded and moments away from either bloodthirsty attack by vampires or a rousing rendition of "I am the Walrus."
And then we switch to the launch of a toy spaceship, under the command of John Carradine, whose glory days are at this point depressingly long gone. Upon landing we enter (much as Dorothy did Oz) the film's true joy, the Great Stock Footage Festival. Instead of Glorious Technicolor, we get "Chromatic Radiation"-- Colored Filters which attempt to conceal the fact that a good deal of the film stock was originally in black and white.
As best as can be managed, our heroes encounter fighting cave-dwellers from a Phillipino movie, crustacean creatures from God Knows Where, flying bat-men from wires on the ceiling, and big lizards with fins 'n' horns glued to'em. These "dinosaurs" are, of course, from Hal Roach's "One Million BC," and their appearance, yet again, begs the question of how many times the same stupid lizards have to die in the service of bad movies. And has anyone ever done a Film-school Thesis on the matter?
The Asian troglodyte movie, at least, has a lot of action. One can surmise its title translates into English as something like, "The Adventures of the Beefy Ones Who Fight for No Particular Reason."
Oh, right. The planet also features vampires who have shoved in their gums the same pointy chopsticks as the gang from the movie's prologue. If it did not, the spaceship's journey to the "lost" world would have no connection to the opening sequence. We can only assume this world is the home of the "Tubatans." But, given the absence of technology there, how did the vampires spread to Earth? Perhaps they were once technologically sophisticated, and have since reverted to barbarism. Maybe vampirism spread through a space-born virus. Or possibly some time-shifty thing is about to happen, and the vampire plague will begin once the explorers of The Lost Planet find their way out of that desert canyon and into Earth's past. Who knows. Who cares?
You like incredibly bad movies? Probably, or you wouldn't have come to this site. Well, "Vampire Men of the Lost Planet" is several bad movies in one. Insert your oversized fangs and take a bite.
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